To the One That Would Have Been

I have a bunch of ideas, but I couldn't decide what I ought to start with... And then I found myself reminiscing about Stardew Valley and of the time when I used to play it every day as a means of coping with my struggles three years ago. I feel as though I've regressed to such a state as a result of this pandemic, but I try to stay hopeful that things will get better for me eventually.

I've said once before that I used to dislike what I looked and I felt completely inadequate compared to other people. If I tried hard enough I could change what I was by attempting to be something else, I would be able to feel better about myself... And it took me a long time to realize how self-destructive that was. My hair becoming incredibly unhealthy as a result of my attempts to straighten it was a testimony to that. I won't say I'm completely better off now than I was then, but I can certainly say that I'm a little more accepting of myself, and my hair is a lot more grateful for it too.

And it wasn't just my hair. Trying to mingle in an attempt to fit in a community I didn't really belong to, trying to be that overly friendly person... I utterly cringe thinking about how toxic I was being towards myself; I became everyone's doormat and it infuriates me to think about how I could have allowed myself to be like that.

Still, I know I did what I did was just an attempt to find self-satisfaction and adequacy. To feel like I was worth something. So as cringey as it was, I also think it's important to be able to accept even that cringey part of ourselves, of that time when we did all the things we probably shouldn't have but did anyway. It's part of what makes us who we are, and mistakes are merely a part of life.

I don't believe I can ever become whatever greatness or ideal self I once strived to be, but I can be content as long as that I don't need to pretend to be something else to live my own life... Even if this pandemic is making it difficult. 😅

On a lighter note, I'm really happy ConcernedApe finally added a freaking wardrobe to his game (the clothes my avatar is wearing in this pic is the same as what I changed into in-game). Being able to dress up and change what I'm wearing every day of the week of every season is nothing significantly game-changing, but it certainly adds to the whole RP value, and I love it. 👌